COVID-19: How I've Been Coping

Before you read this, please understand that this entire post was written to be chaotic. That means there is no rhyme, reason, or order to this. None. I left it like this to fully convey how utterly confused and scrambled my brain feels during this time. It would be useless and hopeless to try and pick apart what the underlying message is because the only message I am sending through this post is: I think too much.

My birthday is in March, which is a totally useless fact that nobody cares about. However, I would like to mention that this year’s birthday has definitely taken the title for “most disappointing birthday ever.” First of all, it was my 17th birthday, and that’s a depressing age. Let me explain. Between every white girl’s “sweet sixteen” and the huge age that legally turns you into an adult (18, in case you’d forgotten), seventeen is an overlooked age. Not only that, but my already small plans of going to watch the new live-action Mulan with a few of my friends were canceled, and I ended up spending my birthday alone. I was devastated because I had been looking forward to this get-together for over three months, but I tried to stay positive. At least I could stay home and eat cake while watching a movie in the living room. However, even that plan almost got ruined when every store in the area ran out of eggs. (Stupid egg hoarders.) Luckily, I had a sweet friend who baked me a cake and left it on my doorstep. I was sad that we couldn’t meet in person, but messaging over Instagram and eating the cake she made felt better than not communicating at all.

Still, it’s been lonely.

I never thought I would say this, but I miss going to school. I miss it so bad. I miss learning all of the cheesy floorshow and pop show music. I miss practicing horrible dance moves with other choir kids who are equally as bad at dancing as I am. I miss going to state solo and ensemble and staying at a hotel, gossiping into late hours of the night with girls I barely knew before that day. I miss the fun field trips, the concerts, the atmosphere of being around hundreds of kids who are just as obsessed with music and learning as I am. I miss all of it.

Before the pandemic, I couldn’t even imagine what it would feel like to be forced to stay away from friends. It’s taken a huge toll on my mental health. I have too many hours to spend thinking. Too many hours wondering if people actually like being my friend, or if they just pretended to like me in order to get good grades. Too many hours of wasting away, watching Netflix or YouTube and binge-eating because doing school work is too depressing to even think about, let alone do.

I remember the shock of it all. That original “Oh my God, are we dying? Is the world dying?” I remember panicking and wondering if this was the end. It was a stupid thing to wonder, but I did all the same. The first time it really hit me was when my family went to Costco during Spring Break. We sat at the tables and ate lunch, and while we were eating, I stared at the long lines of people buying food and wondered what had gotten into everyone. It was noon on a Tuesday. The lines shouldn’t have spanned across half of the store, but they did. I asked my mom and she told me about the panic caused by the virus. Ice dropped into my stomach at that moment. Dread. Was it really as bad as the news said it was? Were people really dying?

I came to grips with this new reality sooner than I expected. It took a few days and a couple of restaurants with barely any customers for reality to sink in, but it did. It sank in. And I’m not sure how I haven’t just broken down and cried about it yet. In fact, I haven’t really cried at all since this began. I think it’s because I’m actually doing a good job of not thinking about it. Not thinking helps a lot.

I got off-topic, but that happens sometimes.

All of the concerts I was going to perform in and all of the competitions I was going to kick butt in are canceled. Every. Single. One. I know some places are trying to get back to normal, but it almost feels like that “normal” they are trying to reach is unattainable until everyone has caught the virus and gained immunity. Well, it’s more like an “almost immunity” because I heard somewhere that there’s more than one strain and people have caught the virus twice-

Wait. I went off-topic again.

School has been weird. I have a hard time motivating myself normally, but since the virus and all of this extra time that we have, it’s really gotten bad. I wait until Friday to do assignments that are due on Fridays. I wait until May to finish major-grade projects that are due at the end of the school year. I procrastinate like crazy. It’s not just my efficiency that’s changed, either. The entire system has changed. Every student, kindergarten through college, has much more responsibility to get their work done. There are no teachers to make sure we are staying on track. There are no students to help with a math question that is a little confusing. Communication, in general, has just about stopped. Sure, we get emails from teachers and texts from friends, but it’s not the same as being with those people in person. Even Zoom meetings are different because most teens refuse to show their faces (including myself), and even when they do have their cameras on, the lag, disconnection, and over-all bad quality makes it feel very… artificial.

I hope nobody actually reads all of this depressing stuff. It’s really not so bad. Really. It’s just lonely. I miss giving hugs to friends and visiting family members. I know it’s technically allowed, but I don’t feel like I’m in a place to risk my health or others since I have an awful allergy-induced cough at the moment. Catching the corona virus right now might end up being deadly for me, and I don’t think my parents want to pay for any more medical bills than they have to.

That’s another thing that has changed. Income. How are people making money when half of the population is without a job? Even the people that are working in essential businesses are eventually going to be laid off when those without jobs can no longer afford food or- Yeah, I need to stop saying such depressing things. We’re all doing our best. The government is doing its best. Mostly. Actually, screw that. The government is one reason why we’re in this mess in the first place. They weren’t prepared.

Of course, nobody was.

How can you prepare for something as huge as a global pandemic? You can’t. All you can do is survive with what you are given.

I know this post is a mess. It was meant to be a mess. I need to convey how seriously messed up I am right now. How insanely disorganized my thoughts are. How I type without really having an idea as to what I want to say. This pandemic, this virus, has made me feel insecure about our world. About humanity. What if we don’t make it through? What if-

I can’t focus on the what-ifs. I can only focus on what is in front of me. Which, at the moment, is a seriously dark essay about how the corona virus has affected me. The point is, I can’t worry about the entire world. If I can’t change it, then I shouldn’t worry about how it ends up.

I need to accept that as a good enough answer.