Losing Someone

Almost everyone knows this pain. If you don't, you will.

Losing someone hurts. Your chest aches, your dreams are filled with nightmares of trying to catch up to the one you lost, your whole life is filled with memories and the the only thing you can think about is the fact that you'll never make new ones with that special person again.

It sucks.

But I know that whatever you're going through will eventually get better. Time doesn't necessarily heal, but it does make the pain less intense. One day soon, you'll be able to get out of bed and walk around. You'll be able to move on with your life and keep living. It's what that person would have wanted for you.

And if you're dealing with the loss of a person that abused you, don't feel guilty if you think you don't feel "sad enough." Whatever they did to you left you with scars that will probably never heal, and it's okay to be angry at them. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, even if the person who abused you claims to have hurt you out of "love." That person might have given love a bad name. You might feel like you'll never be able to love again, or that you'll never know the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one, but don't be afraid to try again. Don't let that fear of never being enough for someone keep you from meeting new people and growing.

I was nine years old, and I remember how much it hurt when I lost my grandmother. It hurt even more to watch my mom struggle to understand why she felt so lost, angry, and guilty. She had a thousand demons in her head, all fighting with one another. It was like I had lost two important women in my life. But I got through it, and now I have an understanding of what it means to lose someone. Just as you probably do, too.

I'm not using the term "death" because sometimes losing someone doesn't mean they've left this world. Losing someone means a breakup, a torn friendship, or a family that won't accept you for who you are. Whatever it is, it's still loss. I've felt that kind of loss, too, and even if it didn't hurt as much as when I lost someone to death, it was still extremely painful.

Something that I've struggled with, and I know other people who have dealt with loss have struggled with, is the thought: what I'm going through isn't as bad as what other people are going through. I shouldn't be this sad when someone else is going through something so much worse.

It's hard to get out of that mindset, especially when you know someone personally who is going through something you deem "worse" or "sadder" than what you're dealing with. The important thing to understand is that you are two completely different people. What you deem painful might seem like child's play to someone who has felt something worse, but that doesn't mean your pain isn't real or that it doesn't hurt. If it helps, think of a child.

Some children cry when they've spilled orange juice. Some cry when their friends won't play with them. Some of them even cry over something as silly as not getting a hug from their parents before school that day. The point of me saying this is that those children are going through something they have never experienced before. And while you've probably spilled several drinks on the ground and now only think, "Darn. I've gotta clean this up." That child might be thinking they're going to get in trouble or that their parents are going to hate them for making a mistake. When you don't know what happens after an accident or a loss, it hurts more because your brain is thinking of every worst-case scenario imaginable.

I didn't fully understand the concept until I was scrolling through Pinterest as an eleven-year-old, and I found this really cheesy image:

The wolf on the left represents who you are now, and the wolf on the right represents who you used to be. When you were young, or maybe just inexperienced, one arrow or pain felt like the end of the world. Like you were dying. But now, those same pains no longer seem like such a big deal. When I saw this image, I took it a step further and compared that small wolf to myself, and the big wolf as someone who has gone through the same thing or things that are even worse. I understood in that moment that what I was feeling felt real to me, even if the person I was comparing my pain to had gone through something worse.

If you are reading this, I want you to know that no matter what is making you cry, or stress out, or yell at people you shouldn't be yelling at: it's okay to be upset. It's okay to feel what you are feeling. If you tell yourself that you "shouldn't be this sad" or that "(so and so) is going through something worse," remember this image. Remember that in this moment, you are the little wolf that needs help getting back on its feet. What you are going through is important to you, and therefore, it is important. Don't ever belittle your own pain.

And to anybody who has lost someone, whether in life or in death, whether it is recent or if it happened years ago, I want you to know that it's okay to feel lost. It's okay to not know how to get up and move on. It's okay to cry, to feel angry, to grieve. It's okay if you need time to heal, even if you've spent years healing already. Let yourself find your way again, but do so slowly. Pretend you're talking to your inner child because that inner child is the one that hurts the most. Give yourself a hug, and tell yourself that it's going to get better.

Beating yourself up, bullying yourself, is pointless when what you need is comfort and support. All I'm trying to say is, your feelings are very real, very valid, and I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for reading.